Hey, Fam.
Cam Shammerhack here. Just wanted to send this quick video to say (1) you’re not really fired and (2) despite trimming two-thirds of the team, we won’t embrace any of the “hardcore” practices other tech companies are adopting these days. We have a stance on work-life balance, and to demonstrate our commitment to it, we’re shifting to a new 4-day, 70-hour workweek!
I know there was some confusion about an automated email firing everyone and then a second automated email to the few of you we wanted to keep. But for years you’ve been saying, “That meeting could’ve been an email,” and I agree. Why have any meetings at all, especially awkward ones in which people waste time with questions like “What the hell am I going to do now?” or “How am I going to feed my kids?”
Thanks to your insights, you helped me restructure the company in 47 seconds, as well as develop a new workplace philosophy called Radical Econorexia, which you can learn more about in my upcoming TED talk, “You Think Your Company’s Lean? Think Again, Tubs.”
We want you to have the opportunity for Deep Work. Real deep. Like, bottomless-abyss deep. So we’re removing distractions such as meetings, Slack, email, and anything else that might give the impression you’re valued for a reason beyond completing the work we think is important until we change our minds.
All previous methods of communication will be replaced with an online project-management portal in which you’ll find a list of tasks an algorithm thinks you can complete in 70 hours. You just have to upload the finished work by 11:59 Thursday night to prevent triggering an automated email that says you’re fired. It’s seamless and efficient, totally faceless and results-based, like the work equivalent of a glory hole.
And, fam, we need you thrusting your stuff into that portal. We need you thrusting your stuff like you’ve never thrusted stuff before.
In our anonymous questionnaire that required an email address to complete, we learned that many of you value autonomy. So do we! How you budget your time — whether that involves taking care of a sick parent or a child with special needs — isn’t something we want to think about. We don’t want to micromanage you. Or, really, manage you at all. We just want you to focus on getting your assignments done — which will take at least 70 of the 96 hours available.
All of your extra time can go to self-care activities, like eating food; crying in the shower; having sweaty, work-related nightmares; and binge-listening audiobooks about productivity hacks and fending off suicidal amounts of anxiety.
Now, those of you who are married might be thinking, “Does this transition to a 4-day workweek mean I have to spend those other three days with my family?”
Of course not! We’d never prevent you from using workaholism to avoid your loved ones. And we totally get why you’d derive all your self-worth from your ability to crush tasks and otherwise be “on it.” The average lifespan of an American company is 20 years, and the average employee tenure is about 4, so it makes total sense why you’d find more meaning from work than spending time with people in a way that transcends the purely transactional.
If you want to, you can use your extra time for a second job. It will help you navigate the crippling cost of living and maybe even start a savings account so your children can discuss abandonment issues with a licensed therapist.
We know this is a big transition, but in a few years, machines will be able to take a lot of this out of your hands. Until we figure that out, though, we all need to dig deep and vigorously pump our stuff through that portal. It’s a real “fixing the plane while it’s still flying” situation, and during this pivot, I’m relying on you to function like the machines that will soon do everything on their own. I believe in you, fam. Together we can continue to make Thunk the best agency for thought-leadership content ever!
